Interview with two vampires
by E. Lovett
Summary: Edward and Alucard are invited in "The Late Vampire Show". But there will be blood, we all now that, when Alucard starts mocking him and fangirls take part. Major TWILIGHT BASHING, rated T for language. Please R&R.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Hellsing_. I'm just literarily screwing it up.

I do not own Twilight. I just like to make fun of it (because it's already screwed up enough).

**A/N:** No, I do not have anything better to do.

* * *

**Interview with **_**two**_** vampires**

The logo fades away along with the music, and a young brunette appears on screen. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen – and vampires –," she says and winks, "and welcome to _The Late Vampire Show_!" Everybody applauds, and she pauses before continuing. "We all know vampires aren't a secret anymore now, do we?" A loud 'yes' is heard from the public, consisting mostly of fangirls.

She sits down in one of the round chairs and puts her hands together. "But not all of them are the same. Today we will have a little chat with two totally different vampires!" The public remains silent, waiting for her to make their entrances. "But first, a twenty seconds advertisement because we're fucking out of money"

* * *

The brunette woman fades back in the screen. "Now, I'm sure you all have guessed who I am about to invite. No? Well, he is one of the most known vampires in the world, he has his own 'team', so to speak, and his fangirls could populate an entire continent if deported!"

The left side of the public squeals, while the right one rolls it eyes.

"EDWARD CULLEN!"

She motions her hands towards the entrance in the platform, but nobody shows up. She coughs, "Edward Cullen!" Still nobody. "…Edward… Cullen?" The public is still squealing while she goes in the backstage to find out why he isn't coming. The camera switches to the backstage one as well.

"You had no problem about it two hours ago!" an annoyed producer snaps at Edward.

"You didn't tell me you'd invite _him_! I thought I'd be the only one!"

"Well now we don't have time to fucking argue about that, Edward," she calmly says and grabs him by the arm, "don't act like a fucking baby, be there and be a vampire! …or whatever else you are"

He is shoved onto the stage, and she follows him. He sits on the chair closest to his fangirls. "Hello Edward. We will now be introducing your partner in interviewing. One of the most feared vampires, an unscrupulous but in the same time alluring, judging by the number of fangirls, one, I present you, Al–"

She doesn't get to finish, as a black matter starts forming on the chair near to the right side of the public. The fangirls seem to completely understand what's happening, as they start to squeal, while the brunette woman stares in awe, not knowing if to call the police, an ambulance or the fire fighters.

No sooner, the shadows form a figure. A figure that slowly turns out to be Alucard. A shiver runs through her spine as she welcomes him, "Hi Alucard"

"Good evening, Samantha"

She didn't remember telling him her name, but she tries not to panic, knowing he can read minds. "My, I see you know my name!"

"I watch the show every night"

The woman smiles and studies him. She had seen Edward _all her fucking life._ Time for something new.

Edward coughs.

"Uhh, yes," she says and sits in her chair. "Now you've stared enough at them, time to know what's in their minds!" She grabs some pieces of paper and looks over the top one. "First question is for Edward. Would…" she pauses before realizing how stupid the question sounds. "Uh… would you like to live in a fluffy pink world?"

"What?"

Alucard bursts into laugher.

"I'm sorry; I don't know who makes these questions. They said they'd try to make questions that fit in with you personality… I'm sorry" she says and moves to the next piece of paper.

"Well you can't say they didn't keep their word," Alucard says and his part of the public bursts in laugher as well. Samantha tries to stay calm and not do like that Boomerang showman. She didn't want to get fired that early.

"Mr. Cullen… here's another question. What do you love about Bella?"

He scratches the back of his head, "Can I make a list?"

"Of course"

"Well, she is beautiful, pretty, special, awesome, cool, sexy, special, nice, special, lovely, special, fun to be around, special…" he scratches the back of his head again and tries to concentrate, but his side of the public sights and squeals.

Samantha coughs, "Turning to Alucard. Here is your question. Chosen by fans"

"I'm ready for the worst," he jokes and smirks.

"Did you name Sir Integra 'countess' in the last manga episode because you plan to marry her and have babies with her?"

He doesn't appear ashamed or mad, but just bursts in laugher. "I saw that coming. Well, to answer it… no, actually no. Babies are not my thing. And marriage is not Integra's thing. I've talked with her about it, but she bitches about being too old for romance. Her loss…"

"NOT OURS" the fangirls scream. He smiles and winks at them and one of them faints.

"Bob, call the ambulance," Samantha says. She turns to Edward, "Well, let's not make a fuss of it. Edward, your question. What would you do if somebody stole Bella's heart from you?"

He opens his mouth to answer, but she stops him with one finger. She passes through all the pieces of paper with questions on them, making a remark. "All of your questions are about Bella." He doesn't react, and she gives him sign to continue.

"I would probably try and find a solution. I'll beg her to come back, or try to impress her again. And if I wouldn't find something better about me than about the man she'd be with, I would probably cry. She's all I have lived for. I cannot imagine life without her. I love her."

Samantha smiles sadly at him, while some of the fangirls cry. Alucard interrupts, "BORING" She turns to him.

"Attention whore"

She tries to keep her calm by swallowing. Edward crosses his arms and looks somewhere else.

"Alucard, here we go. What power of yours do you find most fascinating? Is there a power you still can't manage or understand? Interesting question. Your answer, please"

He thinks a while before giving an answer, "Well, I still have a few problems with Schrödinger's powers, but I can manage them properly. It's harder to die now, I must say. I am _everywhere__and nowhere,_ as the poor guy used to say. It is truly interesting how one can defeat all laws of physics so easily."

She nods, satisfied by the answer. "Now, a mixed question! Edward, what would you do if Alucard stole Bella? And Alucard, what would you do if you _could_ steal her?"

Edward glares at Alucard, "I'd kill him"

"Improve your answer, please. How?"

"Scare him with the fact that I'm a vampire and run so fast he's be dizzied"

"Alucard?"

"He wouldn't even manage to enter the _Hellsing_ manor, let's be serious"

"No, answer your question," Samantha sighs.

"Yes. Well I'd probably rape her"

Silence. Not even his fans squeal. He seems as calm as always. In the end, Edward bursts into tears.

"Alucard! Look at what you've done!" she scolds him and hands over a tissue to Edward. "Now he's gonna ruin my chair." Edward finally stops crying and she decides to skip over the next questions about Bella and bring the show to its special part. But she would have to put in some advertisements, not knowing when Edward would stop crying.

"Uh... the money makers!" she says to the camera, and advertisements fade in.

* * *

Edward finally stops crying after one hour of advertisements, and the show already loses half of its rating. She wonders which half. "I'm going to introduce my idea, my first fucking idea in this whole show. You are going to ask questions for yourselves. No, not because I'm fucking tired of talking, but we all want to know what you think of each other. Edward, you're the first"

"WHY WOULD YOU RAPE BELLA?"

"Ow, come on. You're right. I can't."

Edward's face brightens, "Really?"

"She's too ugly for that so I'd probably kill her"

Edward starts crying again. Samantha intrudes, "Alucard, if you're going to keep this up, I'm going to lose my job. We don't want that, now, do we?" Alucard smirks. "All right. I guess I'm the only one that doesn't want that. Extra question for Edward," she says and grabs the tissue she had handed over to Edward. She tries to wipe her tears, not ruining her mascara.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Edward shouts and covers his eyes.

"Poor fellow. I think I found your weak spot"

"Wasn't so hard," Samantha intrudes again, still trying to wipe her tears off. "Alucard, your turn"

"Edward... who the hell made you sparkle in the sunlight? Didn't they have mercy on you?"

"What? Isn't that what vampires do in the sunlight?"

"You are a shame to vampires"

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Go around and bit people's neck?"

"Actually, yes! That's what vampires do! Not drink fucking animal blood. Damn abstinence," he says, looking over the pieces of paper Samantha had thrown away, considering them too stupid.

"I am the modern face of vampires, either you like it or not!"

"There's no such thing as modern vampires! We're immortal!"

At this point Samantha sighs and leaves the platform. The fangirls act as if on a stadium.

"GO ALUCARD!"

"GO EDWARD!"

They start to fight as well. Alucard turns into the hellhound and bites Edward. Edward sparkles and Alucard gets blind because of that. Fangirls punch and pull hair. Samantha yells at everybody in the backstage that they're fired, and goes to a random camera guy and punches him in the face just for the sake of it.

* * *

"And that is how the show got cancelled," a much older woman tells the camera. "But of course, now I have found out radio has been longing after me, and I think my place is, in fact, here"

_This is the story of a woman that loved vampires and television so much, that her show was cancelled because of them. Now she owns __**Fangs FM**__, and although she isn't as famous as she was long time ago, at least she earns a lot of fucking money._

_**THE (FUCKING) END**_


End file.
